Fireproof!

That is what I want my marriage to be! We (Bryan and I) went to see the movie this afternoon...the first time we've been to a movie since before Nick was born (seriously!). I thought it was great...I highly recommend it to anyone who is married, has been married, or is planning to get married! So, how does it relate to us?? Well, I think Bryan and I are about at the point where Caleb and Catherine were, except for the "internet" issue that he had. We won't get divorced...I know that...but it doesn't make it any easier to live in a basically loveless marriage. We love our children, and we are committed to the marriage vows that we took-but I don't think that there is very much LOVE left between us, anymore. We irritate each other, we argue, we just don't see "eye to eye" about anything. I know that we're not on the same page with our faith, and maybe that's the problem. I'm not where I need to be, but at least I know it, and want to change for the better. Bryan just isn't interested. Sure, he'll take Nick to church, but only so he can sign his paper on Monday morning for attendance. I really miss being involved in a church family, and having that support and fellowship. We go almost every week, but it's just there and home. We barely know anyone in our church, and we definitely don't get any fellowship out of it. But, at least Bryan will go now....that only started when Nick started kindergarten! I guess I should be thankful for at least that much from him. So, is that really what's wrong with our marriage? I'm not sure. I'm just so very disappointed in how our life has turned out. I am, of course, very thankful for my sweet little boys. I love them with all of my heart and soul, and wouldn't trade anything for this opportunity that I have been given, to be their mommy. BUT, before we even decided to have a child, Bryan and I decided that I would stay home, or at the most work part time while they were little. He was getting a master's degree, and would get a good enough job to support us. That's how I was raised, and that's how I wanted to raise my kids. That, of course, hasn't worked out! Instead, I'M the "breadwinner" of our family. I have responsibility for the majority of the bills, the insurances, the investments...HOW did that happen??? It's just not what I wanted!!! I wanted to be taken care of, not the other way around! And the worst part is, that he LETS it stay this way. He's so very resigned to being in his crappy job for the rest of his life! Granted, every time he tries he gets doors slammed in his face, but isn't there SOMETHING that he could do different???? I've gone back to school! I've worked out of town in order to better our situation. Do you think that HE would drive back and forth to saint louis everyday for work??? Heck no! But it was sure fine if I did, especially since I made so much more money than down here! Bryan will let me do anything to better our situation, but he won't even try to. There is no way for me to actually believe that 10 years after his college graduation, he really can't find a job, if he would have really tried. People get new jobs EVERYDAY!!!! I've had 6 jobs since we've been married, and improved my situation with each one. Now I'm back in school AGAIN to try to move my way up some more. It sucks. I can't depend on him for anything. And, he doesn't even try to make it better. Maybe if things were different at home, then I could deal with the job situation better. What I wouldn't give, for him to just come up to me sometime and hug me. Just to sit and listen to me, about how my day was, or how school is going. Anytime I want help around the house I have to nag, nag, nag... He can't see that the laundry hamper is overflowing, or that dishes are in the sink. He forgets to pack Nick's lunch, sends him to school without his belt (incomplete uniform!), doesn't feed the dogs.... I know that I could do all those things, but sometimes I just need some help! I mean, on Tae-kwon-do days (monday and wednesday) I don't even get home until after 5. That's almost 12 hours! I'm tired...I don't want to come home and do laundry and cook dinner...but I have to, if we're going to have clean clothes and food!!! UGHHH. And he wonders why I'm unhappy!

Anyway, enough ranting. He's faithful, and he's a good father. Maybe I should be satisfied with that. I'm sure there are people with much worse husbands! But I still can't help hoping that someday, something will get better.....

Check out the movie, if you haven't yet.

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/